little girl, big world

things I'll never say

2010-09-08T17:37:00.001-07:00

"One more think you did for me: you left, and I had to get through it. I have learnded this year that my ability to handle what happens to me greatly exceeds my expectations. I thought I would die if you left me; I had this idea that I would crumble, that I'd have to go live with my mom and curl up in bed for months. This is so untrue, and I have amends to make to myself for thinking so little of my strength.I did cry a lot and then have some wild times, but I used the loss of you to write the best play of my life so far; I learned about men and made deep and lasting friendships; I found support and just got the fuck through it, through something I really thought would destroy me. I t really was my greatest fear, that you would leave; that's why I didn't listen well when you kept saying you hated being married and wanted out. I couldn't hear it because I was too scared of it. I'm sorry about that. But once your greatest fear happens, you never have to have it again. You gave me that, that freedom from the fear of being left, and the calm of knowing that other people cannot make the world a sade place for you; I never have to expect that from anyone again, and be hurt and terrified when it doesn't happen...I'm not saying that in my book what you did is okay or whatever. I'm not sure at all that I forgive you. But it has given me strength and focus and a sense of myself that I have never had, and I am so grateful for that."

thoughts on mountaineering.

2010-08-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, one of my favorite things to do is climb things. particularly mountains. particularly ice covered mountains.

A mountaineer that I admire greatly is Steve House. He is the brother of my mom's close friend and coworker, and he does some amazing things. In March, he had a pretty rough accident. I thought I should share his blog with you all today, as he reflects on how that accident has affected him as a person. He shares a sentiment that I think is REALLY important for all climbers to keep in mind: " I fell because I was 100% sure I would not fall. Or at least I fell such a distance, around eighty feet, for that reason. I did not give as much attention to my protection as I would have if I was scared or intimidated by the pitch. I wasn’t scared at all. Quite the opposite: I was rushing. I was climbing as if I couldn’t fall. As if I was invincible. I was being cocky." None of us are invincible.

anyways, here's Steve's blog the things he's done are things I dream of doing.

I'm off for the next few days, doing a little bit of backpacking in the Salmon-Huckleberry Wilderness with my new boyfriend and his "bros". See y'all Wednesday.

oh dear.

2010-08-22T19:42:00.000-07:00

I went and fell in love again,
oh dear.

His name is Vaughn and he's marvelous and adores me and treats me well. Better than any man has ever treated me. I'm not scared that I'm falling for him. I'm scared that I'm SO COMFORTABLE with the idea of being with him.

We're in the early stages still, where everything is blissful and you can't be sad when you're together and we're meeting eachother's friends and it's SO EXCITING all the time. I love being with him. I love that I am always comfortable being my ridiculous, granola-eating, chaco-wearing, tea drinking, beer loving self around him. I am excited to see where this will go. I'm excited to be in a place where I feel comfortable and happy and whole letting someone else into my life.

This is pretty neat.

2010-07-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

I just saw this on my new friend Mary Crow's facebook, and it made me think a lot.

I think this is where I am in my life. This is pretty dang true:

"All i'm interested in is Jesus. The man I want is the man that is pursuing Jesus harder than he's pursuing me."

2010-07-06T23:43:00.001-07:00

One of this parting words to me was to tell me how resilient he thought I was. He said he knew I'd be okay because I was so resilient. But in reality, I'm not resilient at all. Every single day this loss chips away at my will bit by bit. The only way I'm holding it together is because I'm forcing myself to believe that once the chipping is over there'll be something salvagable underneath. I cling to God out of fear that without his stability in my life, I will lose my capacity to go forth in the world.

I am trying so hard to live each day intentionally. To live each day with the intention of really following Christ and really loving such a pure love with all the other parts of the body.

But I'm so flawed in so many ways. I make such questionable choices so often.

There are a great deal of things heavy on my heart right now. But I don't know how to vocalize them right yet.

One thing I'll foolishly admit: Even though I know that I am not in a place emotionally, psychologically, physically, spirtually, right now to progress romantically with ANYONE...I still pray constantly that some day God will find me a man who will love me well. I pray that I didn't mess up my one chance for a future happiness with another person. I pray that I am worth loving and that I am not as replaceable as T's actions have made me feel this last week. I pray for love. and I don't know if that's the right thing to pray for, but I do.

starting over.

2010-07-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

Looking back on the last year of my life is very disappointing. It is hard to watch your future collapse in front of you. The choices I made that I was just SO certain about. Leaving Vermont to be with Tanner being the most obvious, but there were so many others.

Where do we rebuild from?

Much of my future was invested in the life I planned with another person. We had built our dreams together, built our dreams around one another. There were children, and years spent in foreign countries, and degrees and houses and cars and books. But in the end, there was a fatal flaw. One of us didn't actually believe in the possibility of that future. The hardest part of all of this is being the one who did.

The last month and a half has been nothing if not emotionally and psychologically difficult. Trying to be happy on my own, happy in this life that I am trying to build for MYSELF. I am trying to learn to enjoy my own company. It is hard because I do still miss him, always. It is hard every day to wake up and reinforce the knowledge that that future we had planned doesn't exist anymore. I must constantly remind myself of this.

I have been blessed with so many opportunities. I am working two jobs, which in this economy is a blessing I can't describe. Both of which are hard work, but good work. My bank account will be happy at the end of the summer, which is more than I can say about how it has been lately. Moving out on your own is expensive as heck. Shopping for one is ridiculous as well. Everything goes bad before I can get to it!! Ugh. But I'm learning, slowly. All of this is making me grow up a lot and consider my finances in a pretty significant way.

I have realized that I need to put my focus back on God and his role in my life. He used to be the centerpiece of everything I did, everything I wanted. But I allowed my relationship with Tanner to become that. Now that relationship is over, and I feel like I'm starting my life over again. My fatal flaw was forgetting the most important thing. There is something bigger than myself, something that will center me.

My first Sunday as a single woman was my first Sunday back to church in months. It was pentecost, which was the warmest welcome I could have asked for from the Catholic church. My parish here in Sellwood is lovely, and charming, and I feel so blessed to be recieving the eucharist again and reconnecting with Christ again in that way. My priest passed away two weeks after I began attending the parish, which has been a struggle for the community. I feel like God is calling me to serve him there, but I don't know how yet.

God has also brought me to the amazing community of Adsideo. Adsideo is this amazing and beautiful Christian Community that's here in Sellwood. They are the most loving family of christ I have ever seen, and I can honestly say I have never felt so immediately welcomed into a group of people. They have this radical, unabashed, passionate love of Jesus that I am so in awe of. They are teaching me to open myself completely to the holy spirit, and how to listen to what God actually wants of me. I want to give more of myself to this family. I feel like this is where I belong.

I am caught, as always, in a web of confusion between the desire to join and fully devote myself to Adsideo, and the foundation of my faith, which is the catholic church. So far, these two faith communities are in complete harmony in my life. But I fear that as I become more involved in each of them that I will be called by God towards one or the other, and I am worried that I will cling to the familiar. I think I already know that whatever this journey of Adsideo is, it has a lot in store for me and Jesus. I already feel so nourished by it. I don't know where I will go from here, and it's terrifying me a little bit.

Now, I'm off to work. Another day, another dollar. I hope to blog more, but I have so much going on that I can't keep track of.

2010-05-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

Writing is very hard for me right now.

To put it simply, Tanner and I were having some relationship issues. So we decided that I should move out. On my first night in my new apartment, he chose to have an affair. We were still together at that point, and I would have never believed that he would cheat on me, but he did. We are no longer together. And my heart feels about like it's going to explode into a million pieces, because he and I had made so many plans for our future together,

because I had invested so much of my self into our relationship,

because I loved him endlessly, and for some reason that was not enough.

and because we split up less than a week ago, and he's already totally moved on to someone new.

I am trying so hard to be the strong, independent, woman that I once was, but I have never felt so much like a failure. What kind of person fails at love? What kind of person am I that the person I loved more than anyone in the universe went back to someone who made him feel terrible about himself rather than be with me. Am I that unloveable? Am I that unappealing?

I love my new apartment. I love my roommates, I love my friends. But It hurts me to know that he's already with someone new, and that even though I feel hurt, and betrayed, and destroyed in the most catastrophic way, I would take him back in a heartbeat. But he doesn't want me. He said he didn't want a relationship, but the truth is he just doesn't want me. Which is evidenced by the fact that he's spending so much of his time with her.

I don't know where to go from here. I have never had such little direction before. I never thought I would be single again. I never thought that I'd be this alone.

Hopefully a plan unfolds soon. Hopefully someday I'm able to move on. Hopefully someday I won't feel so lost. Hopefully. Hopefully.

2010-05-04T08:28:00.001-07:00

see last post. multiply it by thirty thousand.

I hate myself right now.

2010-04-26T20:47:00.001-07:00

hi, my name is Candy. and everytime I get something good in my life it falls a part.

2010-04-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of things in my life that really scare me. I know that God will take care of me, and he doesn't give us anything we can't handle...but lately I feel like I've been given a lot.

This past fall, with leaving GMC, and being virtually alone in Portland (besides Tanner, of course) has been rough. It's been very hard for me to make friends of my own and establish myself in this city. I sometimes dislike how much of a little wife I've become.

The ongoing squabble with GMC over them withholding my transcripts has been such a burden, and I'm REALLY upset that everyone other than me is graduating next year. I wanted to be on top of things, but the probability of that happening is not very high right now. If my credits come across okay, IF Marylhurst lets me work on the program of my choice, IF IF IF....

I feel a little lost in the world lately. Tanner is off in his own little world more often than not these last few weeks, and I've been feeling so neglected. I know I shouldn't, because I know he loves me more than I could imagine. But I still do.

2010-03-23T23:30:00.001-07:00

today is Tanner's birthday.

I am reminded now, more than ever, that I am such an intensely lucky girl, and that even though we have our differences (as do we all), I am so blessed to have found a man who is so perfect for me. I love him so much, and he is such a kind, considerate, and beautiful man.

Happy Birthday Baby.

I love you.

2010-03-08T00:16:00.001-08:00

I should not be left to my own devices. I always get so upset and overthink everything. Everything is going to be alright. If not, I'll just flee the country.

It's cool, guys.

2010-03-06T01:39:00.001-08:00

someday, things will be better again.

someday.

2010-02-23T00:02:00.001-08:00

dear blog,

sorry it's been a while.

my computer asploded.

I'll be back soon.

2010-02-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

some days I need a vacation.

mom wants to take me to DC or Vegas this summer. The boys are going to the National Boy Scout Jamboree at FT AP Hill/DC in July, and she wants to go hang out with them/be girls together. I really want to go, but If I get this new job I'm applying for I'll have to work every day this summer.

It would be SO nice to go back East. Maybe I could see Tori/Rachel/Stacey/Laura/Alaina/Brianna...

humph.

2010-02-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

ALD.

today I did something I thought I'd never do.

I cut someone toxic out of my life.

It hurts, it does. But it felt so good to finally say what I needed to say. To get all those bad feelings out of my heart, to put them on paper, and to just...close the books. To say: you haven't treated me as well as I deserved. I gave you so many chances and you just let me down. To say things that were a little mean but that needed to be said. To call him on his shit.

It feels good to have that off of my chest, and to know that I'm never going to take his shit again. It feels good to not be connected with him in any way. Not on facebook, not in life. It feels good because even though I really cared about Christopher Ricker, I know that he used me, and lied to me, and was a terrible friend to me. He broke my heart once, and he's hurt me in countless ways since then. I believed in the good that was hiding away in him, but I've since learned that that was just an act that he put on to get into my life, and to betray me endlessly.

I'm done with him. Permanently. And as much as it hurts to give up on the good in another person, it feels SO much better...SO much better to let him go.

2010-01-26T23:12:00.001-08:00

also, I really wish I had a puppy. then I would have someone who LOVED my attention.

2010-01-26T23:10:00.001-08:00

I'm so tired of being your second choice.

2009-12-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

note to the blogosphere:
I hate uncertainty.

2009-11-30T21:34:00.000-08:00

As most of my peers know, I am not a twilight fan.
As a matter of fact, I am a twilight HATER.

I find the whole Edward/Bella relationship to be vastly unhealthy (hello....he tells her she can't hang out with her best friends, gets her in trouble with her parents, creeps on her when she's sleeping...and oh yeah wants to EAT her). What bothers me most about the whole thing is that hundreds of thousands of 12-16 year old girls who are just getting into the whole dating scene are idealizing their relationship. they see Edward (the creeper) as the perfect man, and want to have what they share. This terrifies me, because I dated a guy like Edward once, and he ended up being horrendously abusive.

In addition, I think that Stephanie Meyer couldn't write her way out of a paper bag. The books (which I HAVE read, at the request of my twilight-loving friends) are poorly written. The plot is nonsensical, the dialouge is forced, the character development makes no sense....and then there's the sentence structure, the grammar.....ugh.

The point being, the twilight novels give me a headache.

Now, a new point was brought out that I'd like to share with all of you.
I would like to preface this link by stating that I have no qualms whatsoever with the Church of Latter Day Saints. Many of my closest friends are LDS, and I have the utmost respect for their faith. There was a period of my life where I seriously considered joining the church, and through that time, I grew to learn that many of the misconceptions about the church are totally false. Stephanie Meyer is LDS, which is where this all becomes relevant.

That being said, I am a proud supporter of Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender rights and equality, and that has always been an issue of much contention between myself and the LDS church. When the LDS church funded many ads against California Proposition 8 last year, I was LIVID.

so, here it is: how twilight is taking rights from the the gays.

ten.

2009-11-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

10 things about myself

1. what is your ultimate dream job?
adventure/travel writer, particularly about outdoors adventures.

and/or a summer camp director.

2. what is your favorite thing about yourself?

my genuine desire to care for others, and bring understanding and equality to all of earth's inabitants.

3. what could you not live without?

love, books, and beer.

4. what is something you do every day?

dream.
5. what is your most cherished possession?
my much-abused, well-written-in first edition copy of As I Lay Dying. The notations in the margins document my growth into a woman, and complete development of myself.

(I've read it probably 20 times since I was 17)

6. name one of your favorite songs of all time:
"Always Love" by Nada Surf

7. what are you afraid of?

My dreams never coming to fruitation.

8. what is one of your proudest accomplishments?

Being editor of my former university's newspaper.

climbing mt. Jefferson.

leading an all women's ice climbing trip.

I've done a lot I'm proud of in the last year.

9. what is something you'd like to learn?

How to telemark ski.

10. and finally, tell me something random:

As much as i may complain about the douchey things my boyfriend does, i love him more than anything. he completes me, always. and every time he tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I really believe I am the luckiest girl in the world, because I have my best friend by my side.

hitting the trail

2009-11-17T18:04:00.000-08:00

headed to the Rouge River for 5 days of backpacking.

see y'all on monday. :)

PLD: Crazy girlfriends.

2009-11-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

Okay.

Every girl, at some point in her life, pulls a crazy girlfriend move. God knows I have, many a time. But there is a line that should not be crossed.

I was talking to some of the girls at work, and biddies be crazy. Usually, I'm all about girl power, but the stories I was hearing kind of made me side with the guys a little bit.

I think that to be in a relationship with someone, a certain amount of respect must be attained. There is a level of trust you MUST have for a relationship to be successful. God knows there have been times in my relationship that I've doubted, that my boyfriend was acting sketchy and wouldn't tell me why. Most of the time I've waited and discovered that it had nothing to do with me.

It shocked me to discover how many girls automatically jump to the conclusion that their boyfriend is a scumbag. It also shocked me to discover how many girls were secretly reading their boyfriend's emails, texts, even journals. If the tables were reversed, you know those girls wouldn't put up with a guy invading their privacy like that.

I think that every girlfriend has a bit of crazy in them. I know I do, there have been a lot of moments where I've done things that I immediately wish I hadn't done.I know that my boyfriend loves me, and he trusts me, and I owe him that same respect. I've decided on my own terms to stop being crazy. I hope that my boyfriend doesn't ever take advantage of how much I trust him.

I cannot for the life of me believe how some girls can, on a regular basis, be so completely disrespectful to their partners. SERIOUSLY? One girl was telling me how she's already snooping on a guy she's not even DATING yet. Honestly, if you can't even trust a guy that hasn't done anything wrong, you need to take a step back.

I don't mean to sound like a preacher. Like I said, I'm not perfect. I just think that if girls feel like their guy isn't telling them stuff, maybe it's because guys can't trust a girl who's not showing them any respect.

love-
Candy

PLD: Electing illterate Alaskan Governors to run as your vice president.

2009-11-13T17:54:00.000-08:00

I hate Sarah Palin.
She's complaining that the McCain aides subdued her in the public eye....
I wonder why? Maybe it's because every time she opened her mouth in the media, TERRIBLE things came out.

For your enjoyment, a one year anniversary of why I'm happy that the McCain-Palin ticket lost the 2008 election:

PLD: mixing porn and relationships

2009-11-12T20:35:00.001-08:00

Porn.

Porn is an interesting thing. I personally am not a huge fan. I've dabbled, as most adults have, but it doesn't really do the trick for me.

I am not here to cast an ethical vote on porn. One, because it would be hypocritical on my part (considering my last statement), and two, because I don't think it's my place. I would, however, like to take a moment to address the consequences of consuming pornography if you are in a relationship.

For some couples, porn is not an issue. Both couples enjoy porn, and it can become a part of general foreplay. Awesome. Or, the partners have discussed porn viewing, and have decided that it is okay for them, and they have come up with some sort of porn policy that works in the context of their relationships. Also awesome. In these contexts, I feel that as consenting adults in a committed monogamous relationship, they have every right to make their own judgements on how porn will be a part of their lives.

The problem, for me, comes when porn becomes an act of deception. When someone finds out that their partner is using porn secretly, or has lied to them about their porn usage, it has a lot of really negative consequences on the relationship.

for one, it makes the deceived partner feel inadequate. They start wondering what they've done wrong to improperly satisfy their significant other. They wonder if their partner has lied to them about other things, or if their partner is no longer attracted to them. They worry that their partner is fantasising about other people when they are being intimate with them. When you find out your boyfriend is using porn, and he wakes up with morning wood, you wonder "is this for me, or the other girl he was dreaming about". It's hurtful.

Moral of the story: If you like porn, awesome. But sit down and have a conversation with your partner about it. Assure them that you still love them. Tell them why you like it (masturbation is healthy, you're bored, etc), figure out what bothers them about it, and come up with a compromise that makes both of you comfortable. Note that in the end, you may have to give up porn for your partner, but in the end....isn't sex better than jerking off anyways?

new blog to read.

2009-11-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

hey y'all,

just wanted to pass along a new blog I love to you.

Holly is my boyfriend's older sister. She's a really fantastic girl, and the closest thing to a sister I'm ever going to get (I tried to get my parent's to have another one, and tried to convince my brother to BECOME a girl...no luck).

Her blog is full of fun links, sweet ideas, and the fun of learning to use a new mac. :)

check it out: http://delightfullysassyholly.blogspot.com/

PLD #4

2009-10-29T21:58:00.000-07:00

life is hard.

my biggest PLD lately is not speaking my mind. About a lot of things.

I've been so incredibly frustrated with myself and who I'm becoming lately. I went from being a sassy, independent, pain in the ass young woman to some sort of domestic type who puts up with a lot more crap than I ever have before in my life.

It's so upsetting.

I am happy. I am happy, and healthy, and in love. I have a new job-that so far I love. It's just little things that press my buttons.....and I'm worried that someday they will press the spontaneously combust button.

My crazy used to come out in little bits. Little spurts of "I'm not a pushover because I am LITTLE". I was a bamf.

Now it's going to come out in one big explosive burst and take out an entire village.

Frick.

vague

2009-10-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

note to self: even good choices can have unknown consequences.

a guest PLD.

2009-10-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

today's life lesson comes from my darling lauren:

Lauren Laws's Life Lesson Learned Today: Don't let men fight over you or you just might get tackled into the concrete causing head injuries to all parties involved

Lauren's a champ.

Off to Smith Rock State Park for the weekend, for some epic climbing.

see y'all Sunday!

ALD #1

2009-10-14T22:54:00.001-07:00

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

in the world of PLDs, the "equal and opposite" is ALDs (AWESOME life decisions).

I made one, and it came to fruition today, so I thought I'd share.

As you know, I recently relocated to Portland, Oregon. I love it here! The job market is not so hot lately, and ALL of my work experience is in either Barista-ing, or Outdoor Education (primarily the latter). Needless to say, my value in the world of work is slim.

So, I started thinking of great local businesses that I was passionate about: Stash Tea, about a MILLION microbreweries, and outdoors companies like Columbia Sportswear. So, I started applying to them, kind of on a whim.

Imagine my surprise when Columbia Sportswear called me in for an interview! You are now reading the blog of the newest employee of Columbia. I'm so excited to start working for Columbia, because I grew up using their gear, and I'm really passionate about the company and their mission.

I start on Monday! Let the games begin!!!

PLD #3

2009-10-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Taking a Nine a.m. climbing class with my boyfriend.

There are two indisputable facts about my life. 1) I love my boyfriend to pieces. He is my better half, my other half, and my life partner of choice. 2) I love climbing, particularly of the ROCK and ICE variety.

These facts being purely stated, I must say that there are two additional facts that are currently frustrating in my life. 1) I am horribly out of shape (by MY standards at least), and I'm not climbing as well as I used to. My senior year of high school I was climbing a 5.12, leading about a 5.1o-5.11. Now, I'm climbing a 5.8-5.10, and leading a 5.8-on a good day. A combination of not being on rock anymore, and ice climbing has made me loose a lot of my technique. Taking a climbing class makes me tremendously happy, but...I can't climb well if I feel like I'm EXPECTED to do well. By this I mean that when I climb with new people, I often am worried about making a good impression, and the pressure causes me to make stupid mistakes. C'est la vie. I love my class, my professor is amazing, but it's a stressful experience for me.

2) my boyfriend does not wake up at a reasonable time. If he doesn't have to wake up, he'll sleep all day. He suggested we take this nine a.m. class together, and I agreed. 9 a.m. isn't that early for me. In theory I get up at 7:30, shower, then he takes the shower and we are out of the house by 8:30 at the latest, so we have time to pick up our friend Dan, and get to class.

in actuality, the schedule looks a little more like this:

7:30: I get into the shower

7:40: I get out of the shower, and tell Tanner to get up.

7:50: I tell Tanner to get up. I am almost fully dressed.

8:00: I tell Tanner to get up, he says he is, I go downstairs to make breakfast.

8:15: I go back upstairs to get my bookbag together. And Tanner is still in bed. I tell him it's 8:15, and he swears and gets out of bed.

8:45: Tanner is out of the shower. I hand him his breakfast, and we leave the house.

9:10: we roll into class.

Over the past few years I have become an incredibly punctual person, so this drives me crazy. Every morning he apologizes, but every morning we have the same problem. I love him. I love him. But this is so stressful. It was a poor life decision, and I will henceforth remember that morning classes are not to be taken with Tanner Joseph.

bad choices #1 and 2

2009-10-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

PLD #1.-Convincing myself that I have the gumption to write a daily blog.

I assumed this would be plausible, but I am clearly failing miserably at this. I will try to do better, I will. It's just that life is so.....hectic. Sometimes even if I have the time to blog I totally forget that I have a blog because I'm so focused on my other responsibilities, sleeping, etc.

I really am going to try to do better though. I think I'm going to set a reminder so I don't forget.

PLD #2.-Eating Meat.

I have been a vegetarian for 12 years. For two of those years, I ate a primarily vegan diet, but found myself struggling to be a healthy vegan without eating processed foods. Plus, I'm a local foods girl...and it was hard to find good vegan food that stemmed from rural Vermont. For the past few months my boyfriend Tanner and I have been living together, and he is a meat eater. I didn't realize how MUCH of a meat eater until a few weeks ago when we moved in with his parents (speaking of PLDs....that's a story for another time). They eat meat with every meal, which isn't necessarily a bad thing-they eat realistic proportions, and always have side dishes with plenty of the other happy food groups. I just don't eat meat, so it was new to me.

When Tanner and I moved in together, I started considering making amendments to my diet for a lot of reasons. For starters, I was BORN anemic. My low iron intake due to my vegetarianism wasn't helping that, and it also wasn't conducive to my outdoor lifestyle. It's hard to climb mountains and shred gnar when you're woozy because your iron count is low. In addition, I love him, and I didn't think it was fair to ask him to make ALL of the dietary changes. He was willing to, but I didn't think it was right.

So, I decided to eat fish. I am not one of those vegetarians that will try to state that fish doesn't count, because it DOES, but I felt that it was better to eat a little bit of Salmon (lucky me, being back in Oregon, I can have LOCAL Salmon) every once in a while, than to pass out on a backpacking trip because my blood was so thin.

Little did I know just HOW MUCH fish I would be eating. Because Tanner's mom is a fantastic cook, and she loves to feed us...she wants me to be able to eat the full meal, and has been making a lot of fish. My little digestive system is overloaded. I'm horribly gassy and pooping my brains out, and I know it's because of all the fish.

The moral of the story is this: I was a strict vegetarian for a good reason, I should cut back on fish, and I haven't been writing because I've been on the toilet.

See you soon.

new look, new thoughts.

2009-10-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

a lot has happened in the last month.

I am back in Oregon, somewhat reluctantly so. I am glad to be home, but I left Vermont due to a variety of issues at my college (particularly the residence life department, who are refusing to acknowledge domestic partnerships as legitimate relationships). I was sad to leave GMC, but so far Oregon is treating me well.

This new blog is going to be a different project for me. A documentation of what we at GMC called "PLDs" or "Poor Life Decisions". These are things we all made frequently, and ranged from going home with someone we shouldn't, to skipping a class, to painting ourselves green and drinking Franzia by the gallon. My life has changed drastically in the last month. I am no longer a "co-ed". I am attending a local college, but it's not residential. My partner Tanner and I are living with his parents for a few months while we get things sorted out. Partying will no longer commence. I am an adult now....whatever that means.

That being said, I know myself well enough to know that I will undoubtedly made a wide array of PLDs. In this forum, I will share them with you. Little snippets of life lessons, in the immediate gratification of the world wide web. I'll try to update daily, but I'm out in the outdoors frequently enough that I know this isn't possible. Please enjoy the vulgarity and utter ridiculousness that is my life.

That's all for now,

Candy Jean