Writing is very hard for me right now.
To put it simply, Tanner and I were having some relationship issues. So we decided that I should move out. On my first night in my new apartment, he chose to have an affair. We were still together at that point, and I would have never believed that he would cheat on me, but he did. We are no longer together. And my heart feels about like it's going to explode into a million pieces, because he and I had made so many plans for our future together,
because I had invested so much of my self into our relationship,
because I loved him endlessly, and for some reason that was not enough.
and because we split up less than a week ago, and he's already totally moved on to someone new.
I am trying so hard to be the strong, independent, woman that I once was, but I have never felt so much like a failure. What kind of person fails at love? What kind of person am I that the person I loved more than anyone in the universe went back to someone who made him feel terrible about himself rather than be with me. Am I that unloveable? Am I that unappealing?
I love my new apartment. I love my roommates, I love my friends. But It hurts me to know that he's already with someone new, and that even though I feel hurt, and betrayed, and destroyed in the most catastrophic way, I would take him back in a heartbeat. But he doesn't want me. He said he didn't want a relationship, but the truth is he just doesn't want me. Which is evidenced by the fact that he's spending so much of his time with her.
I don't know where to go from here. I have never had such little direction before. I never thought I would be single again. I never thought that I'd be this alone.
Hopefully a plan unfolds soon. Hopefully someday I'm able to move on. Hopefully someday I won't feel so lost. Hopefully. Hopefully.
see last post. multiply it by thirty thousand.
I hate myself right now.