One of this parting words to me was to tell me how resilient he thought I was. He said he knew I'd be okay because I was so resilient. But in reality, I'm not resilient at all. Every single day this loss chips away at my will bit by bit. The only way I'm holding it together is because I'm forcing myself to believe that once the chipping is over there'll be something salvagable underneath. I cling to God out of fear that without his stability in my life, I will lose my capacity to go forth in the world.
I am trying so hard to live each day intentionally. To live each day with the intention of really following Christ and really loving such a pure love with all the other parts of the body.
But I'm so flawed in so many ways. I make such questionable choices so often.
There are a great deal of things heavy on my heart right now. But I don't know how to vocalize them right yet.
One thing I'll foolishly admit: Even though I know that I am not in a place emotionally, psychologically, physically, spirtually, right now to progress romantically with ANYONE...I still pray constantly that some day God will find me a man who will love me well. I pray that I didn't mess up my one chance for a future happiness with another person. I pray that I am worth loving and that I am not as replaceable as T's actions have made me feel this last week. I pray for love. and I don't know if that's the right thing to pray for, but I do.